Finding Myself.

Who am I?
Am I who I think I am? Or am I who they think I am?
Or am I what I want to be? Or what they want me to be?

Or am I a little bit of everything?
Or an entirely different story?

Or perhaps… nothing?

*

Who are you? What defines you?
Actually, what have you let define you?

To what extent do your thoughts enslave you?
Or have you managed to escape the clutches of your insecurities?

Insecurities.
Why do they even exist?
What causes them?

Are they a result of a conflict between who you are and what you want to be?
Or a conflict between who you are and what you think they want you to be?

Fitzgerald says, “Most people think everybody feels about them much more violently than they actually do — they think other people’s opinions of them swing through great arcs of approval or disapproval.”

Who is to say they don’t? I think to myself.
Who is to say they do? My brain chips in.

Does my opinion of other people “swing through great arcs of approval or disapproval”? I don’t think so. I think I am quite forgiving. After all, we are all humans waiting to be heard! is what I almost always conclude.
So why can’t I assure myself that this is how a majority of people think?

Who is to say they do? My brain chips in.
Who is to say they don’t?
— Nope, I just don’t ask myself this.

Even now, I am thinking about all the people I admire, and want to impress. And I’m thinking about what and how they feel about me. No, no, I am assuming how they feel about me. Oh, I was asking such silly questions the other day! Why would they want to talk to me ever again?
But why don’t we (I) realize that we wouldn’t be wanting to impress them in the first place if their opinions of others actually swung through great arcs of approval or disapproval!

We reject negative influences in our life. Or at least we try to. But why can’t we shun our own negative thoughts that we are perpetual slaves to?

Sometimes I think how funny it is that each one of us has similar insecurities, and yet they exist and affect us to an overwhelming degree. They bind us, hold us back.

For me, it is a struggle on a daily basis to come to terms with my inhibitions, my sudden lack of self-confidence. And I don’t know yet if I am losing or winning. But I know that I am trying.
And every time I stop myself because I think it’ll make me look like a fool in front of people, I tell myself so be it.

So be it, because I have concluded that what defines me is my instinct.
And that, my instinct is what makes me unique; makes me, me.

And that is how I have decided to make my way to myself.

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6 thoughts on “Finding Myself.

  1. These are such incredible words and thoughts, and a most very important dialogue to have with yourself. “Am I who I think I am? Or am I who they think I am?” is vital for people to figure out (and everyone does at some point in life), and then take action. It is strange to think how back in high school and college, I never even cared to think much about such a question until realizing that it was the latter of those two questions that was defining who I was.

    You have a gift, with your writing and creativity which makes you a gift to us all. Wonderful post Meghna ~

    Like

    • Hi Strider,
      Thank you for the comment.
      To answer your question, it depends on the intensity of an idea. If it is something I really want to write about, I can wrap up a post this long within half an hour, while half-baked ideas take longer, an hour maybe…
      Hope you got the answer you were looking for.
      Cheers!

      Liked by 1 person

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