Melancholy

December 27. Four days before we celebrate the onset of a new year. And I already feel hopeless.

This year started off well with me telling myself that I was positively over a friend of five years, putting a full-stop to all the hurt and disbelief that consumed me in the previous year, in the first month itself. That was turning point number one because I felt like I could actually control my life.

But only a few months after, my relationship came to a halt. I was fine, I told myself. Listless, yes. But doing okay. Then there was a lull for a few months, and then I found myself in a black hole again. Crying for no reason, losing interest in everything, insecure, vulnerable, and just plain sad.

I needed to do something about it. I knew I could do better. I applied for internships for I was in want of a change of surroundings; of new faces around me. Luckily, I found one that was perfect for me then. Turning point number two.

I lived in another city for two months among new, warm people. I found my voice again. I made new friends, replenished my confidence. When the two months ended, I came back home sad but glowing. I was sad to see it ending but I was happy that it happened. It was what I needed to pull myself back up. Had the internship not happened, I don’t know where I would have been today.

Now it has been five months since I moved back in. And the gloom is upon me again. Turning point number three. I don’t know what is going wrong, what I am doing wrong. But I have lost interest again. I am not writing, I am not reading, I am not studying when I absolutely should be. There is no excuse. But I just don’t want to do anything. I just want to curl up in my blanket and not face anyone.

When I think about it, I really don’t have anything to complain about. It’s not like I have tangible problems that prevent me from achieving heights that I know I am capable of achieving. It’s all in my head. And it has a strong hold on me.

I can’t help but sound sad and pathetic all the time. Be it my tweets, my conversations, or as you can see, my blog. I just can’t help it. I tell my friends not to let their problems consume them, but as it turns out, I am a classic case of preach, don’t practice.

My sister will probably comment on how depressing I am coming across with this post. But really, what is wrong with that? It is the truth, is it not?

I have hardly five days before I take a very crucial exam; an exam capable of being a positive turning point in my life. And I haven’t touched my books. I am wasting days upon days, fully conscious of the passing time, but I am doing nothing.

Really. What have I done to myself? I miss the old me. I was happy back then. I was capable of cracking jokes, making conversations. I was capable of approaching new people with confidence, of expressing myself.
And what am I now? …

I know this is not a fitting post when happiness and festivities infect the air. And I’m not even sure if I should publish it. But I couldn’t help posting it anyway. Because all that joy seems superficial to me, out of my reach. I am smiling, but I am numb.

With this post I’m hoping I will leave my troubles behind and walk into the next year with a grin on my face. But as I type this, it sounds way too ambitious.

Well. Here’s hoping.

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2 thoughts on “Melancholy

  1. Turning points #1 and #2 are positive. You found you were able to thrive off of these accomplishments of yours. So perhaps for the new year perhaps you should continue doing the same or something similar to points #1 and #2. That may be easier said than done, but the point is to sum up the experiences and focus on what supports you. So perhaps the next turning point maybe that the new year will help in exploring new avenues and new opportunities that will help you thrive spiritually, emotionally, mentally?

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    • That is the plan, JD. But in order for that to happen I need to get the wheels turning. I’m trying to. As intended, writing about my problems made it somewhat easier for me – I’ve been feeling better, but I know this is a phase and that I’ll ultimately go back to square one. I certainly hope otherwise. But yes, I’m keeping my eyes open and will grab any opportunity that comes my way.
      Thank you for the comment. Have a good week ahead!

      Like

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